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CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

’Lagom’ is best!

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Lagom means ‘moderation, balance, just right…’, and many more things besides…

In Sweden, the word lagom [pron. lar-gom] is considered so Swedish that many Swedes maintain it cannot be translated into another language. Also Swedes are quite divided as to whether lagom is a good thing or a bad thing. ‘Lagom och svensk’ (lagom and Swedish) implies drab, colourless and a bit boring; whereas ‘lagom är bäst’ (lagom is best) means moderation, balance and the wisdom of defining the best possible course of action between two extremes.
 
Regardless of interpretation Swedish people pride themselves on this most Swedish of Swedish words – it does not exist in Danish or Norwegian, neither as a word nor as concept – nor, according to local mythology at least (see below) – anywhere else.*
 
According to the Swedish Academy lagom simply means ‘according to the law’ (lag = law) but there are many popular stories about the ‘true’ meaning of the word. In the old days Vikings would sit around a big table as a lag (lag = team) and share a bowl of mead (beer). The bowl had to go around the team (om = around) in order that everyone get their fair share, hence lagom – around the team. Other versions suggest that it was a dish of soap passed around the team (!), or a bowl of soup (which could be attributed to misprints – in Swedish soap is såpa, and soup is soppa). In another version it is a basket of bread. Regardless, lagom as passing whatever-it-is around so that everyone gets their fair share, explains many attributes of contemporary Swedish society: collectivism, social welfare, thinking of the group and not just oneself, teamwork, co-operation, consensus, avoiding extremes, avoiding confrontation, compromise, being considerate, being polite.
 
Being polite means avoiding unnecessary conflicts (which is different to avoiding conflicts), and there are many Swedish aphorisms that reflect this cultural virtue. For instance:

“do not wake the sleeping bear”
“better to run away than fight poorly”

“don’t throw stones in a glass house” 
“is it clean flour in the sack?”
“don’t buy a pig in the bag” 

Being polite also means being diplomatic, and the polite language of Swedish diplomacy can be confounding to their Nordic neighbours. A Finnish manager who had been living and working in Sweden for a year figured she had unlocked the mystery of Swedish communication. Finnish business people are renowned for their direct no-nonsense communication style, in contrast to Swedish lagom discourse. Here are some of her observations: If you are in a business meeting and your Swedish colleague listens to your proposal, and says ‘yes, we will consider it’, he actually means ‘no’. ‘Yes, but’ also means ‘no’; and ‘please understand’, means ‘no’. ‘Yes, you are right’, means, ‘you are wrong’, and ‘hmmm’, means ‘no, definitely no’.
 
Another favoured Swedish word for expressing diplomacy is nja – which means yes and no at the same time (take your pick).
 
A Swedish television poll in 2008 revealed that 76% of Swedish people considered lagom as positive; and 24% negative. Not bad odds considering the stigma to the ‘so Swedish and lagom boring’ epithet favoured by students at Swedish business schools, and the inhabitants of Skåne (southern Sweden) and Jämtland and Norrland (northern Sweden) and the Danes across the Öresund.

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* In a recent study, Lagom finns bara i Sverige: och andra myter om språk, (Lagom is Only Swedish, and Other Myths of Language, 2009) linguist Mikael Parkvall confirms that the lagom concept, contrary to popular Swedish thinking, exists in many languages. The uniquely Swedish aspect of lagom – moderation – is how the concept is embraced as a cultural norm.

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The Swedes, by John Alexander

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...has a career which spans 30 years in journalism, publishing, film, television and management training. He has worked and travelled extensively in countries including Great Britain, USA, the Far East, Scandinavia, Eastern and Continental Europe. John Alexander began his career as a radio and television journalist for the Australian Broadcasting Commission in Melbourne, then in publishing based in the UK traveliing throughout Europe.

Finally settling in Sweden in the late 1980s, he began working in the film and television industries, teaching film, media and script writing at Swedish Television and at colleges and universities throughout the Nordic and Baltic region. Since 1990 John Alexander has been conducting intercultural management and leadership seminars for companies and organisations throughout Europe. He continues lecturing at a number of universities in media and cultural studies, in addition to conducting courses and seminars in intercultural leadership at the Stockholm School of Economics.

He has published over a dozen books on media and management, has lectured at conferences throughout the world and has had articles published in newspapers and journals in Australia, Great Britain and Scandinavia.

For more information about his publications and the services he offers, visit John Alexander.

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More Tips For Couples

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Several readers responded to the article, Making a Relationship Work after Relocation, with questions about how to deal with feelings of helplessness and dependency that often emerge as a result of the transition. This has to do with the experience of regression: a temporary psychological shift from a higher mode of functioning to a developmentally earlier one as a result of stress.

The ability to regress is often necessary to give the mind a rest and a chance to refuel. It can be very healthy. But regression can lead to destructive behavior. When we can’t tolerate feeling less competent than we would like, we are prone to find unhealthy short-lived solutions, as outlined in the above-mentioned article.
 
A relationship has a life-cycle just as individuals do. It can progress and regress depending on the strains the couple encounters. When we are in a regressed state, we are prone to distort our image of our significant others. We relate to them based on what we need them to be rather than who they are in the here-and-now reality. Our partner can come to represent a figure from our past, such as a depriving parent or a competitive sibling. The challenge, and the best case scenario, is to see each other for who you are in reality. Define and accept which needs your mate can satisfy and which are your responsibility.
 
We may unfairly place too much responsibility for our happiness, or unhappiness, onto our significant other. This often leads to a repeated experience of frustration, blame and failure. No matter what the circumstances of your move or your feelings about being here, a critical aspect of adjustment for your relationship is that you take responsibility for your life in the present. Your partner can not be expected to make up for what you have sacrificed by moving, but he or she can support your efforts to build a satisfying life for yourself in Sweden.
 
Ask yourself, have you done the things within your power to take control over your situation? Have you, for example, learned the language, figured out how to get around town independently, made an effort to build a social network or looked for work? These are healthy ways to combat feeling helpless and dependent, that, while cumbersome in the short term, lead to better long term adjustment and a reclaiming of your independence.
 
No matter what type of conflict you are dealing with, maintaining fair and open communication is crucial. Separate the problem from the person. Use “I”-statements when communicating (“I feel…” versus “You make me feel…”).  Use reflective listening to demonstrate that you understand each others points-of-view without passing judgment (“I hear you saying that you feel…”). Whether it is because of relocation or another stressor, incorporating these basic communication tools into your relationship will help strengthen mutual respect and accountability and contribute to more positive and productive conflict resolution in the future.

 

Originally published in Götebory Daily

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Making A Relationship Work After Relocation

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Moving to Sweden in order to be with a Swedish spouse or sambo is an example of a life event that can awaken childhood relationship dynamics. In life, our ability to navigate through and succeed in adult relationships develops out of experiences we had as children in our relationships with our parents.

In infancy, there is no distinction between self and other. As one passes through the years of childhood, self and other become differentiated and we develop a separate identity of our own. This process does not occur turbulence-free, however. Between infancy and mature independence lie emotional extremes. Think of the temper tantrums of a toddler or the rebellion of a teenager. Both of these stages illustrate the turmoil that can go along with the process of attaining individuality and ultimately ones own identity.

Making the transition to another country even under the most positive circumstances is in and of itself a major life stressor, but it is particularly challenging to find your identity as a non-Swede. One of the biggest challenges in this process is the experience of dependency and helplessness. The inability to communicate and being subject to the rules and regulations of the Swedish bureaucracy are experiences that can catapult us back to a childlike state. It is easy to forget that we have adult competencies without the practical skills to succeed in Swedish culture.

Many couples find themselves in crisis when the expectations connected with parent-child relationship patterns become superimposed upon the here-and-now adult relationship. Much like the frustrated child or teen, the non-Swede is prone to enlist a number of unhealthy tactics in an attempt to salvage a feeling of independence.

These include: manipulation, and blame (you are responsible for my unhappiness, "I moved all the way over here to be with you and you can't even..."); pseudo-independent rebellion (lying, secrets, unfaithfulness); sadness and worry (suspicious fantasies and accusations, feeling forgotten, unimportant, or invisible), and/or avoidance (passivity, helplessness, withdrawal).

It is vital that couples be aware of the normal, but temporary change in relational dynamics in order to tolerate the stress that is put on the relationship. The ability to identify and accept feelings of dependency and helplessness, without trying to combat them with short-lived solutions, is crucial for a couple's stability. If it is the first time the couple is faced with these dynamics, tolerance of these emotions will ultimately contribute to a deeper, more intimate relationship in the long run.

Originally published in Götebory Daily

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Coping With Culture Shock

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As immigrants and expats, many of us are familiar with the phrase "culture shock," and the various phases to which it refers: the honeymoon phase, when everything is wonderful; the rejection phase, when everything is terrible; the regression phase, when the grass is oh-so-much greener back home; the recovery phase, when the new life begins to feel normal; and, finally, reverse culture shock, when you feel like a fish out of water when visiting home.

But, what determines whether or not one will be successful in navigating these phases, or why one person may linger in them longer than another?

From the moment life begins we are faced with one adjustment to make after another. Each new task challenges our state of being as well as provides an opportunity for continued growth, new skills, and enhanced self-esteem. When the crisis is mastered, we reach a plateau, or a relatively calm state of being where the new competencies are utilized and enjoyed. Of course, some challenges are met with more success than others.

Some of us are simply born with irritable personalities that make life's challenges feel especially overwhelming. Sometimes there are environmental inadequacies early in life that make it more difficult for an individual to develop a foundation of competencies required to master future challenges.

The same basic principles apply to the navigation of culture shock. The better your history of meeting challenges in life, the easier it is to adapt to new situations. Conversely, if you have been burdened with too many psychic traumas earlier in life, you may struggle more with the phases of culture shock.

For some, the stresses of life are more than challenging tasks; they are destructive attacks on one's very self. What humans naturally do when attacked is defend. We all have our own favorite defensive tactics that we employ under times of stress, whether consciously or not. Some fight back, some run for cover, some pretend it isn't happening, some blame themselves, and, so on.

Defenses, when used properly, are necessary and healthy aspects of personality. However, if your need to protect yourself from stress takes precedence over your drive to meet the demands of real life, coping begins to break down.

Culture shock reactions are forms of psychological defense mechanisms. Becoming more aware of stress and stress reactions can help to ease the experience of culture shock. By consciously recalling successful coping experiences from the past, you can call upon the confidence that you do in fact carry around a bag of coping tools to meet this challenge.

At the same time be open to the possibility that even if some of the necessary tools are lacking, you have enough of a foundation to enable you to tolerate this crisis while you continue to build up your supply of coping skills on your way to the next plateau. 

Originally published in Götebory Daily

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