The last week has been classic November weather here in Stockholm, and in much of the country.

Just a week ago I was scuffing through the piles of leaves on the ground, kicking them up as I walked along with my kids. They were golden yellow and had that lovely crunchy sound under your feet as you walked. That was then.  Since then we've suffered daily from something ranging from a mist, to drizzle, to tonight's constant downpour.

Rain. Dark. Grey. Wet. An absent sun. November.

They are the words on everyones lips at the moment, and everyone's facebook status's. The leaves are now trodden on and mashed together, clumps on the footpath that are slippery and have completely lost their "fun factor".

I feel like a nasty mother waking my children, in what feels like the dead of the night each morning and I have to remind myself that it is a necessity, and that I am not torturing them for the fun of it. We walk to and from school in the dark and they are ready for dinner by 4.30pm, simply because it feels so late. "Why is it so dark mummy" they each ask, wanting an explanation, struggling to understand. I wish I had a good answer for them.

So to combat the darkness I set up the timer on a lamp last night, which promted me to add a few more items to last week's list:

14. Put timers on your lights so they turn on just before/after your alarm goes off in the morning and     just before you get home from work/school.

15. Go to the local pool, it is great to get about in your swimsuit/bathers and be reminded of the warmer weather. It is also nice to have a few less clothes on for a change.

16. Make the most of any sauna at the gym, the pool or anywhere you can access one. The heat is great in the winter, it gets right in under the skin and makes me feel like I am somewhere else for a few precious moments, or as long as I can stand it. Again it is nice to have a lot less clothes on.

17. Change the colour theme in your home. Stay a way from the cool, dark colours and go for white. If you ever wondered why so many Swedish homes are spartan white then one November here will convince you it is the right way to go - but add some warmth with splashes of bright colours - reds, yellows and oranges are great at this time of year.

18. I've said it before, I say it again - have parties! It is great to be able to keep drinks and food outside, it's like having an extra fridge.

If however, you are struggling with the darkness, rest assured that our rate of loss of light has slowed down. We are now only losing about 4 minutes a day, that's 28 minutes this week. And with about a month to go until the Winter Solice, when the days start getting longer again, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a very long November tunnel...

Hang in there....

It struck me today how hard the darkness and the cold weather is on children, how hard it is on all of us.

1. Light therapy. You can buy sunlights at well-stocked appliance stores or online. There are also a few around the country and light therapy centres around the country. Search on ljusterapi + café or + center or + behandling.
    
2. Escape to a warmer, sunnier place sometime over the winter. If you can’t manage that plan some sort of holiday, or weekend away. Go to the snow, go to another city, go the country. Spend the weekend on one of the cruise ships wandering around without a jacket and gloves! It is fantastic how much a change of scenery lifts our spirits even when the weather is at its worst.

3. Vitamin supplements – available from health food stores (häslokost butiker), online or bring your favorite kind with you.

4. Fish oil (fiskolja) – it is fantastic and really boosts the kids’ immune systems. They are less susceptible and if they get something they are not sick as long. A worthwhile investment for all the family and vegetarian alternatives exist such as flax seed oil.

5. Evening primrose oil - winter is hard on skin and the colder it gets the dryer my skin gets until my fingers are like sandpaper with cracks at the end of them. No amount of hand cream helps. The only cure is nattljusoljataken orally, daily.

6. Eat well. Nothing will bring you down as far and as fast as a poor diet. Lots of fruit and vegetables, and warming nutritious meals. Great time for curries and any other spicy food to warm you from the inside.

7. Sleep well. Sleep deprivation does terrible things to us at the best of times. You will need to be regularly getting enough sleep to keep your energy levels up. Make sure the kids get enough rest too. Earlier to bed rather than later.
    
8. Plan lots of events well in advance. Go to the theatre, movies, museums or anything else that is around. Meet friends there. Plan dinner parties with friends where you play games or just curl up by the fire and talk.

9. Take a course, join a club. Be active.

10. Have rituals and celebrate the seasons with Halloween, All Saints Day, First Advent and anything else that comes along. Make them your own celebrations; make up your own celebrations. They brighten life up and they mark the time.

11. Make the most of the sun as soon as you see it, because you never know when it will be back again. Any indoor activities can wait until another time, another day. If the sun is shining go outdoors.

12. Learn from the kids – Swedish kids are used to being out all year round and want to go out no matter what the weather. “There is no such thing as bad weather only unsuitable clothing” is a famous Swedish saying that is fitting for this time of year. Force yourself to get out regularly, rug up and be suitably dressed. Take up an outdoor sport – it will make a huge difference to your ability to enjoy this long season.

13. Know that this too will come to an end and keep an eye on the daylight hours. Know that you will rejoice like never before when the sun, the daylight, the birds, the flowers and the leaves return to us. Winter here gives you a whole new appreciation for the rebirth of nature, the survival of the species. To see bulbs pop up through the snow, buds appear on dormant trees and to hear the chirping from the early morning to the late hour brings joy, and gratefulness. And sighs of great relief.

Certain people have an especially difficult time adjusting to life in a new country. This is usually due to conflicts that have their origins in the past, more so than the here-and-now challenges of the move itself. If you or someone you know has experienced great difficulty adjusting to life in Sweden, consider the following possible reasons.

You moved to get away from a problem, but that problem is inside you. In life there are three different sorts of conflicts one can be faced with: person-environment conflicts; person to person conflicts; and internal conflicts – a battle of desires from within. When internal conflicts are left unresolved, patterns of person-environment conflicts and person-to-person conflicts tend to recur in one’s life. 

Many people have a fantasy that they can escape from external conflicts by making major external changes in life, such as starting over in a new country. But when the original source of unhappiness was internal, inevitably the old problematic issues repeat themselves in the new location. Only after the internal conflict are addressed and resolved can one break the repetitive cycle of problematic external conflicts and attain that sought after fresh start in a new country.

You have suffered traumatic losses previously in your life. How were separations experienced throughout your life? Were you taught that leaving was dangerous or hurtful? Did people leave you unexpectedly? Was death discussed openly, or was it seen as a taboo subject too painful to acknowledge directly? These are examples of ways in which anxiety can become associated with separations and goodbyes. When one has received these messages growing up, separations in life come to feel dangerous and destructive. Many experience tremendous guilt over leaving loved ones to pursue their own goals in life. In these cases, the challenges of adjustment to a life in a new country are complicated by old wounds that need to be understood and resolved.

You were forced to leave your home country. If you were forced to flee your homeland due to war it may be necessary to process the traumatic loss of your former life before being truly able to adjust to life in Sweden. You may have gone from a position of high status in both education and career to essentially being treated like a nobody. Many have also witnessed the torture and murder of friends and loved ones. Under these conditions, the support of individuals within your own cultural group can play a key role in helping you through the transition toward a new life in Sweden. It may be necessary to verbalize traumatic experiences in order to prevent them from interfering with your continued adjustment.

Whether you are thinking of moving to Sweden or have already made the transition, do not underestimate the power that saying a proper goodbye can have on your long-term adjustment.

Human beings are naturally driven to form attachments to others, and it is through these connections to people and surroundings that we build our self-image and self-esteem. Because these attachments are so significant, it is naturally painful to say goodbye. The human mind automatically enlists the help of defense mechanisms in order to deal with psychic pain. Defenses are often aimed at providing short-term relief, but with long-term costs to overall adjustment.

In the case of anticipating a loss, a common defensive maneuver is to devalue ones attachments in order to make leaving them easier. At times this can take the form of avoidance of loved ones or of emotionally-significant locations. A more destructive defensive style is sometimes invoked, for example one may initiate arguments with loved ones, or possibly even destroy a relationship with a friend or family member over a superficial disagreement just prior to leaving.

This coping style is of course a two-way street; people close to you may have enlisted this strategy when they found out you were planning to move. They may have felt rejected and insignificant and coped with these feelings by devaluing you or their relationship with you. It is important to find more direct ways of coping with feelings of loss and sadness.

Meeting with people before you leave, visiting favorite places, and allowing yourself to experience the loss and associated feelings of grief are essential rituals that, while painful in the short-term, contribute to better post-transition adjustment.

If you have already moved, it is not too late to repair a relationship that may have suffered as a result of your move. A genuine, worthwhile relationship can usually survive a crisis, but don't sweep problems under the rug. If you confront hurt feelings and misunderstandings directly, the relationship will be strengthened in the long-run.

Originally published in Götebory Daily

Several readers responded to the article, Making a Relationship Work after Relocation, with questions about how to deal with feelings of helplessness and dependency that often emerge as a result of the transition. This has to do with the experience of regression: a temporary psychological shift from a higher mode of functioning to a developmentally earlier one as a result of stress.

Originally published in Götebory Daily